Some jokes...

[gfedcba]

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

======

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."

======

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." the man from the limousine said excitedly. "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied, "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"

======

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began
writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

[happy173]

LOL, gfed's turning into a joker

[MikeB]

good ones - thanks a lot

[pr0nFan]

a good one...
A blind man walks into a bar. "Anyone want to hear a blonde joke?" he says loudly. then a man at the bar says "Listen joker, i'm a blonde, the barkeep is a blonde, the 250 pound 7 foot bouncer behind you is a blonde. Do you still want to tell your blonde joke?"
"Nah" the blind man replies "I don't want to tell it three times."

[Speed Daemon]

Some good one's!

Thanx for the laughs.

[chongwah]

Thanks. Some nice and good ones.

[gfedcba]

	Quote:
	Originally posted by happy173 LOL, gfed's turning into a joker

Well, its my "part-time job" besides just cracking passes you know.........*thinks for a while* Hey, now you know my secret...I'd have to kill you


Anyway, here's some more

=====

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long
illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked
O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you.
You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two
weeks to a month to live."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid
character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the
doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son
who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish
celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things
don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have
cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the
pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little
less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were
eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who
asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that
the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell
them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told
his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have
been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a
couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and
whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you
were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you
were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want
any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

====

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to
become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a
suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds
and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast
because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture
shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes
the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her,
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha!
He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you
two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING
because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best
answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to
the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is
your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds"
. . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and
says, "Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really
doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few
minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on
that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the
suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming
smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE!
The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work!
How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular
glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

====

There was a middle aged couple who had two stunningly
beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last
time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure
enough, nine months later, delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He
took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he
had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he
could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful
daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and
asked, "Have you been fooling around on
me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

[siggy]

LMAO. Loved the irish one gfed.

[im46]

Good jokes!

[Toelover]

Great thread !! keep em coming i'd say :-)