[mitch-m]

Some old jokes for yous

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.
One guy says to the other, " Man, I sure wish I could do that".
The other guy says, " Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"


A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few. "
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank fuck," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


Five men end up stranded on a tropical island. The only female around is a gorilla on the other end of the island. After one whole month the guys are all sitting around and Garry stands up and says, "I'm so horny, I can't take it anymore!"
So he grabs a bag and storms off to the other side of the island with his pals right behind him. They catch the gorilla, each guy grabs an arm or leg and Garry puts the bag over the gorilla's head. He climbs on top of the gorilla and begins to do the nasty.
The gorilla fights and struggles and finally gets an arm free and she wraps it around Garry's back. Then she gets both feet free and wraps them around Garry's waist. She gets her other arm free and grabs on to his hips and starts pulling him in harder and harder. Garry yells to his buddies...."Get it off!! Get it off!!
They said, "You're on top, we can't get her off of you."
Garry said... "No, I mean the bag..I want to kiss the bitch!"

A guy is driving through the country and his car breaks down. He sees a farmhouse in the distance, so he goes over and knocks on the door. A little kid comes to the door, and the guy says, "My car just broke down and I'd like to use your telephone. Is you mom home?"
The little kid says, "Nope."
The guy says, "Well, where is she?"
The little kid says, "Oh, she's out in the backyard, fucking the goat."
The guy goes, "Oh my God! Isn't she afraid of getting pregnant?"
The little kid says, "Naaaa-aaaa!"

A man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. As the bartender watches he drinks one drink and pours the other one on his hand.
He orders two more drinks and does the same thing. The third time the bartender asks him what's going on.
"Why are you pouring that drink on your hand"?
The man smiles at him, winks and says "I'm trying to get my date drunk."

An Army ranger recruit goes into bar with a gloomy face and orders a triple scotch on the rocks.
"Hey you look really depressed," says the bartender.
"Well you know, I have been really gung-ho on being a ranger," replied the recruit. "I have done the march, learned the skills, and prepared for my first parachute jump. My first sargent is like Mr. T, but Mr. T had a better disposition. When we did our first jump out of that airplane I was the last one in line. When it came my turn, I looked out of the door and just couldn't do it. It was too far down and I froze. I told the first sargent I couldn't jump. He told me I was going to jump and tried to wrestle me out the door. Well I jammed myself in and just couldn't go. When I turned around to find out what the first sargent was doing, he was behind me with his pants down. He told me either I went out the door or he was coming in."

"You jumped?" the bartender asked.

"Just a little."

A policeman notices a man driving over the speed limit and swerving all over the road. The policeman pulls the man over. The policeman approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking Sir?"

"Why?" asks the man, "have I got a fat chick in my car?"

Two drunks are sitting at a bar, staring into their drinks.
One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"
"Sure," says Pete. "Been married to one for fifteen years!"

This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.

I'll never forget that game of cards...